To go in or not to go in.
People have told me that grief has triggers some that are obvious and some that come out of nowhere. I guess I thought I was prepared for this, in a way I have been grieving for a year, since my Mom’s diagnosis. In that year I was so focused on day to day task and helping Mom feel the best she possibly could for as long as she possibly could. I just never really thought about what the day to day would be like without her… empty. The first few days, although I cried a lot, I really felt numb. We had a beautiful memorial party that Mom would have really loved. Family and friends came from all around. And, while I genuinely believe she was there, she wasn’t physically there, I could not hear her laugh, or see her enjoy all the lovely people she touched, or most of all just go hug her. I know some people have trouble sleeping, that hasn’t really been my experience. Every morning for a bit I woke at 5 am thinking I needed to check on her and feeling guilty for sleeping too deeply. After all the family left and things started to go back to normal I started to feel like I was getting sick… physically sick. I was having all sorts of symptoms; body aches, headaches, nausea, fever (like legit low grade fever), coughing, and pressure in my chest. Two days of this and just sleeping. Thomas pointed out that more than likely I was not physically ill but having a physical response to my grief. I was angry with him for a fleeting second, how could he know what I was feeling?! Then the awakening, of course, he knew what I was feeling. I had sat on the foot of the bed while he slept a day away just four months earlier trying to convince him to eat something and changing out his cup of untouched water. That and the fact that (especially now) he knows me better than anyone else on this earth. So I tried to wrap my head around what was going on in my own body, my heart, and my mind.