Recently, some amazing friends told me they were sad I had not written for a while. I gave what I thought to be an explanation. Luckily for me they called me on it…it was actually an excuse. They told me to just get it all out there. They told me to tell the world (blog world that is) what I had just told them. Of course that is easier said than done. I had spoken the words to them in the comfort and safety of my own home. But, they were right, I have been hiding from my own feelings by not putting them out there.
The truth is I have 4 drafts with titles only just sitting waiting to be molded into something fabulous. Something that someone would want to read. Something if not inspirational at least coherent. But, I just haven’t been able to put words to my feelings. I know exactly what I want to write but I try and it all just comes out a jumbled mess (metaphor for life much?). I have tried multiple attack plans: writing snuggled under soft warm blanket, sitting up right focused at a desk, even outside in my rocking chair in the beautiful weather. Nothing seemed to work. Even this post was originally hand written at the airport the only inspiration being the void of anything else to do and the music of Waitress Musical. Seriously, if you haven’t listened just do it…talk about heartstrings. Just read these lyrics of my new heart song (thank you Sara Bareilles).
“Sugar, butter, flour
Sometimes I still see her
My mother the dreamer
She’d say, ‘Nothing’s impossible child’
A dream needs believing
To taste like the real thing
Like some stranger you recognize
So pure, so pure, so electric
So sure, so sure, so connected
To those little believers inside
May we all be so lucky
But dreams are elusive
The kind we’ve gotten used to
Is nothing I can feel
Nothing I can hold
Nothing I can have
Nothing that I know
Dreams come and they go
But hold them and keep them
And know that you need them
When your breaking point’s all that you have
A dream is a soft place to land
May we all be so lucky
Sugar, butter, flour”
Slayed. Sobbing. Sitting in a puddle of tears at the airport terminal gate.
How can one song speak so loudly to what I am feeling? How can I use this to explain how I feel? How do I take these feelings and use them to better myself and my world?
I feel like this song perfectly explains everything I am trying to accomplish with this project. Stay connected to my sweet Mom, keep her dreams alive, work my way through her pins. Which I have actually been doing, I just get to the writing part and get STUCK.
I have heard writer’s block (seems funny to type because I don’t consider myself a writer) described as a void of ideas, a blank brain if you will. My experience is the opposite really, I start to write and everything starts spinning. I have not one idea but 400 and no direction or guidance (this is when I would normally turn to Mom). And, there it is. My void. It all comes back to me wanting a different reality. I want what I can never have back. This is the point when I go back and read the list of all the amazing things I do have and, I am thankful. But, it doesn’t change the way my heart aches. It does not fill the void.
We travel tomorrow to spread Mom’s ashes “on the sea somewhere fabulous” (her exact words in her will). It is bound to be a bitter sweet journey. I am excited to get away, but I know it will not be an escape from my feelings. I will continue to write even if it is just jumbled mess. I will cool it with the excuses and let you all back in.
I am honored to have all of you on this journey with me.
“May we all be so lucky”