love light loss and pinterest

A journey into my messy life, mind, and kitchen.

Tag: Cancer

Void

Recently, some amazing friends told me they were sad I had not written for a while.  I gave what I thought to be an explanation.  Luckily for me they called me on it…it was actually an excuse.   They told me to just get it all out there.  They told me to tell the world (blog world that is) what I had just told them.  Of course that is easier said than done.  I had spoken the words to them in the comfort and safety of my own home.  But, they were right, I have been hiding from my own feelings by not putting them out there.

The truth is I have 4 drafts with titles only just sitting waiting to be molded into something fabulous.  Something that someone would want to read.  Something if not inspirational at least coherent.  But, I just haven’t been able to put words to my feelings.  I know exactly what I want to write but I try and it all just comes out a jumbled mess (metaphor for life much?).  I have tried multiple attack plans: writing snuggled under soft warm blanket, sitting up right focused at a desk, even outside in my rocking chair in the beautiful weather.  Nothing seemed to work.  Even this post was originally hand written at the airport the only inspiration being the void of anything else to do and the music of Waitress Musical.  Seriously, if you haven’t listened just do it…talk about heartstrings.  Just read these lyrics of my new heart song (thank you Sara Bareilles).

A Soft Place to Land

“Sugar, butter, flour
Sometimes I still see her
My mother the dreamer
She’d say, ‘Nothing’s impossible child’

A dream needs believing
To taste like the real thing
Like some stranger you recognize
So pure, so pure, so electric
So sure, so sure, so connected
To those little believers inside
May we all be so lucky

But dreams are elusive
The kind we’ve gotten used to
Is nothing I can feel
Nothing I can hold
Nothing I can have
Nothing that I know
Dreams come and they go

But hold them and keep them
And know that you need them
When your breaking point’s all that you have
A dream is a soft place to land
May we all be so lucky
Sugar, butter, flour”

Slayed. Sobbing. Sitting in a puddle of tears at the airport terminal gate.

How can one song speak so loudly to what I am feeling? How can I use this to explain how I feel? How do I take these feelings and use them to better myself and my world?

I feel like this song perfectly explains everything I am trying to accomplish with this project.  Stay connected to my sweet Mom, keep her dreams alive, work my way through her pins.  Which I have actually been doing, I just get to the writing part and get STUCK.

I have heard writer’s block (seems funny to type because I don’t consider myself a writer) described as a void of ideas, a blank brain if you will.  My experience is the opposite really,  I start to write and everything starts spinning.  I have not one idea but 400 and no direction or guidance (this is when I would normally turn to Mom).  And, there it is.  My void.  It all comes back to me wanting a different reality.  I want what I can never have back. This is the point when I go back and read the list of all the amazing things I do have and, I am thankful.  But, it doesn’t change the way my heart aches.  It does not fill the void.

We travel tomorrow to spread Mom’s ashes “on the sea somewhere fabulous” (her exact words in her will).  It is bound to be a bitter sweet journey.  I am excited to get away, but I know it will not be an escape from my feelings.  I will continue to write even if it is just jumbled mess. I will cool it with the excuses and let you all back in.

I am honored to have all of you on this journey with me.

“May we all be so lucky”

 

Just Breathe

 

Inspiration

I find inspiration everywhere; in the beautiful flowers that are in bloom in my front yard, in the warm cup of coffee I hold every morning, in the ridiculous grin on my precious pup’s face.  The problem is that motivation does not come as easily.  I find myself feeling more tired than I have ever felt.  I feel like I am searching for something but I don’t know what it is. I have to frequently remind myself that this is all still new, that I should not expect to feel better right away.

In searching Mom’s Pinterest page a few weeks ago I found board entitled “inspiration” it was created last August and only had one pin…this one.

Continue reading

Recipe for Disaster

Okay, so not really disaster… I was just feeling dramatic.  Shocking, I know.

 

“I look placid, you see, that’s why people think I’m fine. Inside I worry a lot.”

Maeve Binchy, Tara Road

1 month and 3 days ago my world stopped spinning. Except it didn’t.  I sat in a living room with the best people in the world and we said goodbye.  The most peaceful and compassionate goodbye I have ever seen.  I say seen because when I look back on it now it is like I am a fly on the wall, I see the events unfolding I see us all holding hands and silently sobbing, but I don’t see through my own eyes.  I wonder if this is a survival thing? if I disconnect just enough to be able to look back and see the positive, the love, the beauty. Then I will be okay.  I work every day to see these things, and I do see them.  I am surrounded by positivity, love, and beauty.  But, in some moments I give in and only see the negativity, the loss, and the dark clouds.  Before anyone gets too worried about me please know I am sharing this because I need to write it, to put it out there, to be honest with myself and those I love.  I am searching for tools to cope every day.  Writing is one of those ways.  I have been cooking some really awesome food from Mom’s Pinterest page…but lack motivation to write about it.  I will, I promise.

Yesterday I had an awakening moment, a moment I desperately needed. Thomas and I found ourselves at the library just in time for the annual book sale.  Thousands of books new and old alike priced cheap and ready for the picking.  I was immediately transported back to my childhood. As a family we spent hours and hours at used book stores and libraries.  Mom would go off in pursuit of authors she loved or resource material for upcoming shows, Bob would hunt for adventure inspiration in the non-fiction section, Rob and I would find our way to the kids, young adult, and history (I had a strange obsession with Mary Todd Lincoln) sections.  At some point we would come up for air, pick up our pile of books and go in search of each other.  I remember vividly making an argument for a copy of Charlotte’s Web (which I already owned and had read numerous times) because this copy felt better in my hands.  It was truly one of those perfect family outings…something for everyone.

This flooding of childhood memories, for the first time since Mom’s death, was not painful.  Not that I haven’t felt pain since, trust me I have. It was just this one moment. It was just good…not good with a side of heartache…just good.  I think I have figured out why. For the first time in a long time I was able to remember a Mom who wasn’t sick, who wasn’t dying, who was just my Mom. I desperately needed this.  I am adding this to my list of personal mantras, “Mom was not her illness”.  It may seem so obvious to many of you but to me it was lost in the day to day. She was so many things but, even in the worst of times she never let the cancer take over her identity.  I had 27 years with a Mom who wasn’t sick, and 1 year with a Mom who refused to let cancer dictate her life.  Of course, I want more time.  But, man, I am grateful for the amazing moments and memories I have.

Just a few

Just a few

Everything’s Gravy

So today, 31 years ago, my lovely husband was born.  I could go on and on about what he means to me but, it would embarrass him. So, I will just say he is amazing and I am beyond grateful of his existence.  I will be forever in the debt to his Mom.  Happy Birthday Thomas!

His Mom, like mine, was an amazing home chef.  Their cooking styles were very different but both amazing.  Cissy, Thomas’ Mom, was a true soul food loving, add some sugar, and use that pork fat, South Carolina girl.  Mine was more: start every meal with olive oil, garlic, and mirepoix (celery, onions, carrots). They shared one key foodie thing they could both rock a gravy.  I mean seriously, they both understood the power of a strong roux.   Continue reading

Text From Mom

Legacy in a Cyber Age

We live in a pretty remarkable time, a time where full conversations are held over computers and phones.  Say what you will about technology replacing true connection, I say that does not have to be the case.  I am a connection person.  I feel all the feels and they tend to come oozing out of me if I want them to or not(Hufflepuff much?).   Continue reading

No Pressure

Finding the words is tricky, life is tricky. Actually tricky doesn’t even begin to cover it.  The past two years have been the hardest of my life, I am not actually sure I am ready to dive into the details. But, with that being said they might just come flowing out.  I have always been very in control of things that occur in my life.  In the last two years that went out the window…or at least it felt like it did.  As my very wise sister Beth says, “life is lifey”.  I have never felt like this before, so much is out of my hands, so much is out of my control.  Almost to date two years ago my mother in law was diagnosed with cancer, a little over a year ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. They both, along with two of my grandparents died in the last four months.  I wish I could write the words they all deserve, I can’t.  I wouldn’t even know where to start and that is not what I am doing here. 
Continue reading