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A journey into my messy life, mind, and kitchen.

A Walk in Her Shoes

I have been around the world and back…and I did it all while wearing Mom’s shoes.

When I starting writing this post it read like a minute by minute travel log.  It mentioned amazing things we did and the beautiful things we saw but it lacked the emotions and feelings that went along with every moment.  Every second was filled with contradicting feelings.  The incredible feeling when you see such stunning sights always accompanied by the paralysing realization that nothing will ever feel the way it should.  Because, nothing is as it should be.  Experiences will still be amazing, views will still be impeccable, food will still taste delicious,  jokes will still lead to laughter but, none of it will ever be the same without our Moms.   Yes, Moms. This journey was for both of our Moms and we found way to honor both of them.   We visited (and spread ashes) places that my Mom loved and that Thomas’ Mom dreamed of one day visiting.   It was surreal carrying their physical remains across the world.  But, it was also somehow refreshing to see these two women who never let the world box them in finally set free.

Before we left for Europe Beth and I braved the task of going through Mom’s closet.  Anyone who spent much time with our family knew Mom’s closet was our closet, a place my sisters and I could always go to find something just right to wear (well, post hippie skirt years that is).  It is strange how entering a place where I had spent so much time and always felt so comfortable could feel so much like trespassing.  Touching her clothes, smelling her clothes, trying on her clothes, taking her clothes. Through tears and laughter we made our way through her closet.  Every piece of clothing, every pair of shoes (the BOOTS), every hat, every scarf had a story to tell.  A memory.  I find myself clinging to memories but also terrified of them.  I fear the feelings that go along with memories. I fear that somehow making new memories will push out the old ones.  I fear that making these memories is somehow betraying our Moms.  The rational part of me knows this is not the case both Moms would want us to experience and live and see all that the world has to offer. Seriously, just look at Mom’s Travel Pins. I used to be very good at living in the moment… now I just live in constant limbo of what I should be feeling.

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With this trip we did see, we did experience, we did live.  We made new memories and we honored the memories of the past.
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This journey made me long for the past but also left me hopeful for the future.

So, for now I take it one step at a time.

23 Comments

  1. I love you. I found myself taking pictures of my feet in purple toms wherever we went.

  2. I know both of your moms were with you!

  3. I love you all. So brave. So beautiful.

    • lovelightandloss

      July 15, 2016 at 12:35 pm

      We are all able to be brave because we have such a good support group. Thank you for being a part of that. Love you too!

  4. Amongst all my love for you, I also just need to point out that “hippie skirts” is an Amazon link.

  5. Love and miss you all! Thank you for sharing your journey.

  6. Love you. Making us all proud.

  7. Love your thoughts- love you ladies

  8. This is perfect. And the trip felt like the perfect way to honor the moms. So thankful we were able to do it together

  9. Beautiful post Blake❤️

  10. I can’t wait to hear more about the trip!!

  11. Those hippie skirts!!!! Your mom’s signature look…..or how I will always remember her. I know your mom is smiling down on you and is so proud of everything you and your siblings have accomplished. Love you girl!

    • lovelightandloss

      July 15, 2016 at 3:32 pm

      Ha, I know right?! Love it. So many good memories during those skirt days.Thank you. xoxo

  12. Thanks for sharing, all of you girls. I’ll never be able to look or talk to y’all without thinking of your mom. So many memories! One day we’ll share those!

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