love light loss and pinterest

A journey into my messy life, mind, and kitchen.

Bitter Sweet

So here we are.

I am writing this on the eve of Mother’s Day 2016.

I would be lying if I didn’t tell you…I feel stuck.

Life is good, really not just lifey.

Here’s a list to prove it:

  • amazing husband
  • a lovely home
  • really incredible friends who let me steal their kids from time to time
  • perfect siblings who talk and listen to me
  • wonderful family all around
  • precious dog child
  • smart kind niece and nephews
  • reasons to leave the house
  • new health goals and help achieving them
  • travel plans and the ability to make plans a reality
  • support from marvelous people, some I barely know
  • did I mention an amazing husband?

With all of these blessings I still find myself wishing for things that I can’t have.  I find myself feeling resentment toward people who physically have the things I want.  The things I miss.

I am not that person.  I am not the person who gets jealous of other people’s happiness.  I lift people up.  I celebrate others victories. I really do. This is not me but, lately it has been.  I feel anger towards Mother’s Day ads. I feel jealousy directed at the tributes I see honoring remarkable women.  I feel sadness seeing mothers at the park with their children. Then I get angry with myself for even having those feelings.  What is this anger?  I am not an angry person.  How am allowing this grief to turn me into this person I don’t recognize?

Even happy moments have a way of turning sour in my mind.

This week we finalized a European trip that will start with all of my siblings and myself traveling down the coast of England to the Minack Theatre (just look at this place) to join Gwyn in spreading Mom’s ashes.  Mom loved to travel and England was one her favorite places on Earth.  She made a point to make sure to get us all over there.  But, never all together.  And, now we are going together, without her.  Everything we do from now on is without her.  It is a reality I have been living with for two months now and it still stings like it happened yesterday.  I am beyond thrilled to travel and get to see parts of the world I have only seen in books and on screens.  I understand that it is a privilege and a luxury and it is not one that is lost on me.  I humbled by the opportunity.

I do not feel this sadness and anger all the time.  It comes in like a flash flood and most of the time goes just as quickly but, it is all consuming.  I know that there is a lesson in here somewhere and a growth I must be open to.  I also know Mother’s Day is just a day.  A day when you honor your Mom with an outpouring of love.  Love that honestly we should all show every day. I get that.  I know that and yet here I am in my head making it all about me.  It is not about me. It is about my wonderful mother, her mother before her, the incredible mothers my sisters are to their beautiful children.

So in honor of my Mom on this Mother’s Day I am going to try and squeeze in some of her favorite things. I started tonight with the heart shaped sushi box my darling husband brought home and the new season of Grace and Frankie on Netflix.

Here’s a list:

  • Margaritas/Mexican food
  • A little pampering
  • Thrift stores (charity shops)
  • Spending Time with loved ones
  • Musical Theatre
  • Travel Planning
  • The Beach
  • Reading
  • “Gentle” tv show or movie (Gilmore Girls or some Downton anyone?)

I honor my Mom by continuing traditions and enjoying the small things.  I honor her by continuing to try and keep our connection alive.  I honor her by celebrating our similarities and embracing our differences.  I honor her by allowing myself to miss her.  I honor her by being true to my emotions.  I honor her by working to be the best version of myself I can be.

I am ready to show the universe I can and will get through this. I just have to figure out how to do it without begrudging others happiness, without becoming cynical and bitter, without losing myself.

sushi

A heart full of sushi is a heart full of love.

My heart is currently both full and broken.

31 Comments

  1. “A heart full of sushi is a heart full of love”-you are the best…seriously, the best! I love you!

  2. Well, sh*t. I have all the feels on this one, sister. Breathing, the small breaths you taught me, crying, loving.

    • lovelightandloss

      May 8, 2016 at 12:17 am

      I know. I was crying on the couch while writing. Thomas kept coming to check on me. I love you so much.

  3. What a beautiful, honest, and heartfelt tribute.

    Love you!

  4. Blake, you’re such a talented writer. I cried all the way through. What great ways to honor your mama❤️ Sushi & Gilmore girls=happiness
    Love you

  5. You are a beauitiful soul, Blake. I’m so sorry.

  6. Love your honesty. Much love to you and especially today <3

  7. Kelly Williamd

    May 8, 2016 at 7:44 am

    Wish I could fold you all up in a real hug. I love you.

  8. So many things I want to say. Even though I am a mother, Mother’s Day is the one day is the one day that I don’t feel like one. Even after 11 motherless Mother’s Days, I still think about my mom. It remains my least favorite day of the year and I struggle with the ads and people’s lovely posts about their moms. Worst for me are the people who complain about their aging mothers and then post some mushy meme once a year.

    I love what you are doing with this blog and, make no mistake, you honor your mother every day by being you and you’re amazing.

    On another lighter note, have a strawberry doughnut, your mom liked those too.

    • lovelightandloss

      May 8, 2016 at 10:41 am

      Thank you Vicki. I always feel encouraged by you to just feel how I am feeling. Sending you love. You honor your Mom too mostly by being an amazing Mom yourself.
      And, a strawberry doughnut is always a good idea! <3

  9. You all are in my thoughts and prayers today. Your mom, my sister was an amazing mother and I honor her today and the awesome children she guided through life

  10. Been thinking about all of you on this Mothers Day. Blake, Jif, Beth and Rob it sucks! It is hard. My mom has been gone 9 years and Mothers Day is still bitter sweet. But you are all awesome and your love as a family is a tribute to her. Keep remembering and celebrating. It will get a little easier but the pain and loss is ok to feel. I love you all. I miss your mom terribly. Keep posting Blake it is raw and real and beautiful! And we all relate but you somehow put our thoughts on the page(or screen as it were). I love you sweet girl!!!!

    • lovelightandloss

      May 8, 2016 at 10:47 am

      Thank you! You are an amazing mother and an incredible friend both to Mom and Gwyn and to us Kidos. Love you today and all days.

  11. I love you.

  12. Kathy Blakeman

    May 8, 2016 at 10:46 am

    You are amazing, one day you will realize it.

  13. Becky Portwood

    May 8, 2016 at 5:45 pm

    I, too, understand the anger, jealousy, and pain with seeing folks who have their mothers still. This is my 27th Mother’s Day without her. And it still sucks. Not all the time, but days like this it sucks hard. I am living with it.
    I used to get so damned mad at women who complained about having to do this or that for their mother. I wanted to yell at them, “Well, at least you still HAVE your mother!!!” Not a helpful feeling.
    Blake, your grief is still so fresh that it’s a wonder you can even write about the other side of it. I am so glad you have so many people to help you walk this path, but walk it you will. And you will be okay. But there will be days when the anger will prevail, or the jealousy will rear its head. Move through it and forgive yourself immediately for feeling it, as this is a new “normal” for a while.
    Hugs and much love to you this day. ❤️

    • lovelightandloss

      July 15, 2016 at 1:27 pm

      I am not sure how this got lost in the shuffle but I am choosing to believe that the universe knew I needed to read it today. Thank you for your kind words, I am humbled to hear from people who have experienced this pain. Thank you for reaching out. <3

  14. Nance Burrell

    May 9, 2016 at 7:47 am

    Thank you Blake, thank you for sharing ~

  15. Cheryl Baraban

    May 9, 2016 at 7:54 am

    I am at such a loss for words. Mainly because you just put into words exactly how I feel too. Even as a mom now this day can never be the same for me. You are so brave to face your grief/anger/sadness/happiness head on. The only thing I can promise you is that you will never forget her, or stop missing her. The only thing that changes over time is your ability to handle it. You are such a strong lady! Your momma gave you her strength and thats what will live in you forever. Love you and your sweet family.

  16. ❤️ LOVE ❤️

  17. Kayla Shadburn

    May 19, 2016 at 11:05 pm

    When I read the part about the minack I nearly cried. How beautiful and perfect!

Leave a Reply