So here we are.
I am writing this on the eve of Mother’s Day 2016.
I would be lying if I didn’t tell you…I feel stuck.
Life is good, really not just lifey.
Here’s a list to prove it:
- amazing husband
- a lovely home
- really incredible friends who let me steal their kids from time to time
- perfect siblings who talk and listen to me
- wonderful family all around
- precious dog child
- smart kind niece and nephews
- reasons to leave the house
- new health goals and help achieving them
- travel plans and the ability to make plans a reality
- support from marvelous people, some I barely know
- did I mention an amazing husband?
With all of these blessings I still find myself wishing for things that I can’t have. I find myself feeling resentment toward people who physically have the things I want. The things I miss.
I am not that person. I am not the person who gets jealous of other people’s happiness. I lift people up. I celebrate others victories. I really do. This is not me but, lately it has been. I feel anger towards Mother’s Day ads. I feel jealousy directed at the tributes I see honoring remarkable women. I feel sadness seeing mothers at the park with their children. Then I get angry with myself for even having those feelings. What is this anger? I am not an angry person. How am allowing this grief to turn me into this person I don’t recognize?
Even happy moments have a way of turning sour in my mind.
This week we finalized a European trip that will start with all of my siblings and myself traveling down the coast of England to the Minack Theatre (just look at this place) to join Gwyn in spreading Mom’s ashes. Mom loved to travel and England was one her favorite places on Earth. She made a point to make sure to get us all over there. But, never all together. And, now we are going together, without her. Everything we do from now on is without her. It is a reality I have been living with for two months now and it still stings like it happened yesterday. I am beyond thrilled to travel and get to see parts of the world I have only seen in books and on screens. I understand that it is a privilege and a luxury and it is not one that is lost on me. I humbled by the opportunity.
I do not feel this sadness and anger all the time. It comes in like a flash flood and most of the time goes just as quickly but, it is all consuming. I know that there is a lesson in here somewhere and a growth I must be open to. I also know Mother’s Day is just a day. A day when you honor your Mom with an outpouring of love. Love that honestly we should all show every day. I get that. I know that and yet here I am in my head making it all about me. It is not about me. It is about my wonderful mother, her mother before her, the incredible mothers my sisters are to their beautiful children.
So in honor of my Mom on this Mother’s Day I am going to try and squeeze in some of her favorite things. I started tonight with the heart shaped sushi box my darling husband brought home and the new season of Grace and Frankie on Netflix.
Here’s a list:
- Margaritas/Mexican food
- A little pampering
- Thrift stores (charity shops)
- Spending Time with loved ones
- Musical Theatre
- Travel Planning
- The Beach
- “Gentle” tv show or movie (Gilmore Girls or some Downton anyone?)
I honor my Mom by continuing traditions and enjoying the small things. I honor her by continuing to try and keep our connection alive. I honor her by celebrating our similarities and embracing our differences. I honor her by allowing myself to miss her. I honor her by being true to my emotions. I honor her by working to be the best version of myself I can be.
I am ready to show the universe I can and will get through this. I just have to figure out how to do it without begrudging others happiness, without becoming cynical and bitter, without losing myself.
A heart full of sushi is a heart full of love.
My heart is currently both full and broken.