I find inspiration everywhere; in the beautiful flowers that are in bloom in my front yard, in the warm cup of coffee I hold every morning, in the ridiculous grin on my precious pup’s face. The problem is that motivation does not come as easily. I find myself feeling more tired than I have ever felt. I feel like I am searching for something but I don’t know what it is. I have to frequently remind myself that this is all still new, that I should not expect to feel better right away.
It both broke my heart and inspired me at the same time. I doodled it over and over writing it everywhere in different ways trying to figure out what it meant to me and more importantly what it meant to Mom. Hope is a hard thing to understand. But, through it all Mom had hope. Hope for meaningful moments, hope for more time, hope for healing for herself and her whole family (including the non biological members). She probably had many other hopes but, I will never know. Hope can be dangerous, but when combined with inspiration it can light a fire under your ass. In the time between Mom pinning this and her passing we lived. I know that sounds crazy because, of course, she was actively dying. She had this determination that was catching. We made the most of all the moments. Now, don’t take this the wrong way, some of that time was awful. It is beyond terrifying to see someone you love so much in so much uncontrollable pain. But, on the flip side of that, are the moments of laughter, songs, smiles, cooking, theatre(she made sure to see her family ,friends, and former student’s performances as much as possible), family, and friends. Those moments are beyond exhilarating. Those moments get me through.
Mom always had a way of inspiring people to be the best version of themselves. That is why she was such a great teacher and director.
With Mom’s hope for health I was moved to do something (very small) for my own. I didn’t really know where to start. So once again , even now, I am lead by Mom. I found my way to her page titled health. And, this is what I found…well this and the new realization that Mom seemingly wanted whiter teeth. I mean, don’t we all?
So, I did it. My whole body was shaking and I shed some tears(for emotional not physical pain, it is actually really gentle and nice) but I did it.
I put this on the rug in front of me…for inspiration.
I hope for meaningful moments, more time, and healing.
But, mostly I just breathe…